Depression, Kicking in!

Whether i stay at home or go outside, depression will always find its way to wake you up with a frown on your face and tears falling.

There are times that at home i feel so happy and full of life but the moment i go out of the house and see how this world has turned out to be, depression kicks in. As i’ve introduced myself, going out and seeing what the world has became does not help me to push through life, it just makes me want to end the life of the people i see and my life as well. Such scenes disturb the little bit peace in my mind so i try and avoid such people and situations but i still face them.

I want to eat the meat from the bodies i cut, bathe it on their boiling blood and stare at their heads and directly at their lifeless eyes.

But still, after those murderous feeling there is always a person to keep me calm, satisfied and at peace. An angel possibly. 😀

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I failed, slipped, fell and stood up.

I failed, Slipped, Fell and stood up even though it is my choice that caused it.

Yep, i’ve done something unforgivable and i will keep this memory safe and remember it the next time. I failed to hold myself back, i let my self slipped to temptation and fell for it without even regretting it.

Yes, i’m an asshole, i’m just sharing what i’ve done wrong. Any comment is welcome no matter how rude it is, i deserve it. If you have any wisdom to share then i will thank you in advance, read and learn from it.

7 months ago i was still with my ex-girlfriend of 2 years and 10 months. She was my first girlfriend, i loved her so much and i enjoyed the company of her family so much. I’m still intouch with her brother, i broke up with her not with her brother. After we broke up i was vulnerable, i was weak even till this day i still remember the memories. My time with her is a part of my life now. Then i tried it with a girl who was willing to wait for me, I know, it was too early for that but i did not know how things will work out with us since we are studying in different schools, she is younger than me and we don’t really have much to talk about. I tried my best, gave effort to her unlike in the past. I really hate the form of courting a girl since i just don’t get the idea of what is the point in courting since you will end up as a boyfriend and girlfriend which is just dating and building things in a relationship to check if it wil be worth it to stay in it and get married. It really is an annoying idea but i still tried, for her since it is a part of her desires even though i told her that i’m not that kind of guy. I tried and tried. Oh and in the first months we only communicated through text and calls, still even so i gave her most of my time. Then she came back to our place since she goes in the school in our place even though she leaves far away. I gave my efforts, tried things but still all i felt was sad and disappointed. I was losing hope by that time with how hard it really is, i cried and cried every night thinking of how to catch her heart but it seems like i fail every time i try. Then my birthday came, she prepared a surprise for me, it is unbelievable that a person that has not much idea of who i am can do this for me. I was really happy and excited for the things she is giving me then she gave me her yes. Our relationship started, at first it was good. But we still tend to argue on things, tiny things turns to dramatic scenes, some misused words becomes a long discussion of arguements. It was tiring at that point but i still love her and did not gave up. Then, we tend to sleep together, even though sometimes she sleeps for almost 12 hours a day and i still gave her almost all of my free time since she likes being with me. I grew tired of this routine, i feel like i’m being chained since wherever i go she is with me and the only rest i have is when i’m at school. There was a time that an old fling of mine, back in the days that i was fooled by her, messaged me in my facebook account and asked for my number and i gave it to her. We texted for a little while but then i felt a shitty feeling with her since she wants to meet me by i need to have money so that we could go on a date. I don’t like to waste money on a person that talks like that, so i stopped texting and ignored her. i continued to live in such a routine but still there was still times that i’m happy with her. Then i had a conversation with a certain girl, she has a boyfriend by that time, we talked and talked then we flirted with each other. That was the first time i’ve done such a thing, flirting while in a relationship. I let my self slipped and fell for such an idea. We continued to do it, i enjoyed talking to her, being with her, it just felt so nice and calm. No need for worries, yet. This continued, till i broke up with my 2nd girlfriend of 3 months, i broke up with her since i cannot take it anymore. What i’ve done is something really new to me and i once hated from the people doing it. I know, it is wrong, but i still did it no matter how it feels and even though broke her heart. She learned of my doing and told me that it is okay and that she would still love me, i don’t want to continue on and i lost that love that i once felt for her. It is not the first time that we broke up, it was the third time so it hit me that once is a warning and reaching for the third time needs to stop. She did not want it to end like that and tried to convince me that we need to both agree on such matter but i want it to end. She talked to the girl and made a scandalous act, its a good thing that there were few people that saw such a scene. I felt sorry for her since i can’t be by her side since i need to drag my ex away and try to stop her. I had a discussion with my ex in their dormitory, we argued, she still wants to see me and wants me to spend the night in there with her but i don’t, i want to go home and sleep. She blocked the door, she was pissing me off, i stood up and push her away the door but she quickly guarded it again and slapped my face for about 7-10 times. I faced the slaps even though i know that it might trigger something inside of me. I’m almost losing my patience by that time and told her that “i don’t give a fuck about you!” then she slapped me again continuously. I’m almost losing it, i cried, i’m now afraid of what i may do to her after that. I just let all of my feelings out, she apologized but i rejected it since i deserve it. I told her that other people are lucky that they can release the feelings that are boiling inside them unlike me who just keeps it inside and let it rot there. I hate that i have a long span of patience, that i don’t have the guts to shout whenever i’m really in pain and just pretends that everything is going to be alright. Once i left, she quickly searched for a knife i guess, that was the first thing that i thought when she quickly searched for something so i came back and knocked on the door. She opened and i entered, looked in the dish rack and saw a knife. I told her that killing herself will not be anything worth doing and it will sadden her mother and might traumatized her sister. She was then convinced of it and went to her room. I quickly walked away from the dormitory and on my way to go home. I touched my cheeks and the pain was lost, its like it never happened. After a few days, she still annoys me with her texts but i just preferred to ignore it since i have nothing to say to her. I told her that we can still be friends but that maybe just worsen the situation. Being kind is freaking annoying.

Now, i spend most of the times with the new girl but she is still with her boyfriend but her conscience was kicked by mine. I think she enjoyed being with me more than being with him even though for a short time. She broke up with him the other day, but the guy still wants to try but her feelings was already gone. I don’t know what the guy will do, but if things will meet maybe i’ll openly receive a punch from him for the pain i gave him. Maybe, just maybe. Now, she is free to enjoy the time with me without any strings attached to us. I know such thing might repeat again or possibly gets worse but hey! this is life, it will happen if you choose it to happen. I’ll learn from the things that i’ve done. I can’t be forgiven for what i’ve done, I know.