Depression, Kicking in!

Whether i stay at home or go outside, depression will always find its way to wake you up with a frown on your face and tears falling.

There are times that at home i feel so happy and full of life but the moment i go out of the house and see how this world has turned out to be, depression kicks in. As i’ve introduced myself, going out and seeing what the world has became does not help me to push through life, it just makes me want to end the life of the people i see and my life as well. Such scenes disturb the little bit peace in my mind so i try and avoid such people and situations but i still face them.

I want to eat the meat from the bodies i cut, bathe it on their boiling blood and stare at their heads and directly at their lifeless eyes.

But still, after those murderous feeling there is always a person to keep me calm, satisfied and at peace. An angel possibly. 😀

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I failed, slipped, fell and stood up.

I failed, Slipped, Fell and stood up even though it is my choice that caused it.

Yep, i’ve done something unforgivable and i will keep this memory safe and remember it the next time. I failed to hold myself back, i let my self slipped to temptation and fell for it without even regretting it.

Yes, i’m an asshole, i’m just sharing what i’ve done wrong. Any comment is welcome no matter how rude it is, i deserve it. If you have any wisdom to share then i will thank you in advance, read and learn from it.

7 months ago i was still with my ex-girlfriend of 2 years and 10 months. She was my first girlfriend, i loved her so much and i enjoyed the company of her family so much. I’m still intouch with her brother, i broke up with her not with her brother. After we broke up i was vulnerable, i was weak even till this day i still remember the memories. My time with her is a part of my life now. Then i tried it with a girl who was willing to wait for me, I know, it was too early for that but i did not know how things will work out with us since we are studying in different schools, she is younger than me and we don’t really have much to talk about. I tried my best, gave effort to her unlike in the past. I really hate the form of courting a girl since i just don’t get the idea of what is the point in courting since you will end up as a boyfriend and girlfriend which is just dating and building things in a relationship to check if it wil be worth it to stay in it and get married. It really is an annoying idea but i still tried, for her since it is a part of her desires even though i told her that i’m not that kind of guy. I tried and tried. Oh and in the first months we only communicated through text and calls, still even so i gave her most of my time. Then she came back to our place since she goes in the school in our place even though she leaves far away. I gave my efforts, tried things but still all i felt was sad and disappointed. I was losing hope by that time with how hard it really is, i cried and cried every night thinking of how to catch her heart but it seems like i fail every time i try. Then my birthday came, she prepared a surprise for me, it is unbelievable that a person that has not much idea of who i am can do this for me. I was really happy and excited for the things she is giving me then she gave me her yes. Our relationship started, at first it was good. But we still tend to argue on things, tiny things turns to dramatic scenes, some misused words becomes a long discussion of arguements. It was tiring at that point but i still love her and did not gave up. Then, we tend to sleep together, even though sometimes she sleeps for almost 12 hours a day and i still gave her almost all of my free time since she likes being with me. I grew tired of this routine, i feel like i’m being chained since wherever i go she is with me and the only rest i have is when i’m at school. There was a time that an old fling of mine, back in the days that i was fooled by her, messaged me in my facebook account and asked for my number and i gave it to her. We texted for a little while but then i felt a shitty feeling with her since she wants to meet me by i need to have money so that we could go on a date. I don’t like to waste money on a person that talks like that, so i stopped texting and ignored her. i continued to live in such a routine but still there was still times that i’m happy with her. Then i had a conversation with a certain girl, she has a boyfriend by that time, we talked and talked then we flirted with each other. That was the first time i’ve done such a thing, flirting while in a relationship. I let my self slipped and fell for such an idea. We continued to do it, i enjoyed talking to her, being with her, it just felt so nice and calm. No need for worries, yet. This continued, till i broke up with my 2nd girlfriend of 3 months, i broke up with her since i cannot take it anymore. What i’ve done is something really new to me and i once hated from the people doing it. I know, it is wrong, but i still did it no matter how it feels and even though broke her heart. She learned of my doing and told me that it is okay and that she would still love me, i don’t want to continue on and i lost that love that i once felt for her. It is not the first time that we broke up, it was the third time so it hit me that once is a warning and reaching for the third time needs to stop. She did not want it to end like that and tried to convince me that we need to both agree on such matter but i want it to end. She talked to the girl and made a scandalous act, its a good thing that there were few people that saw such a scene. I felt sorry for her since i can’t be by her side since i need to drag my ex away and try to stop her. I had a discussion with my ex in their dormitory, we argued, she still wants to see me and wants me to spend the night in there with her but i don’t, i want to go home and sleep. She blocked the door, she was pissing me off, i stood up and push her away the door but she quickly guarded it again and slapped my face for about 7-10 times. I faced the slaps even though i know that it might trigger something inside of me. I’m almost losing my patience by that time and told her that “i don’t give a fuck about you!” then she slapped me again continuously. I’m almost losing it, i cried, i’m now afraid of what i may do to her after that. I just let all of my feelings out, she apologized but i rejected it since i deserve it. I told her that other people are lucky that they can release the feelings that are boiling inside them unlike me who just keeps it inside and let it rot there. I hate that i have a long span of patience, that i don’t have the guts to shout whenever i’m really in pain and just pretends that everything is going to be alright. Once i left, she quickly searched for a knife i guess, that was the first thing that i thought when she quickly searched for something so i came back and knocked on the door. She opened and i entered, looked in the dish rack and saw a knife. I told her that killing herself will not be anything worth doing and it will sadden her mother and might traumatized her sister. She was then convinced of it and went to her room. I quickly walked away from the dormitory and on my way to go home. I touched my cheeks and the pain was lost, its like it never happened. After a few days, she still annoys me with her texts but i just preferred to ignore it since i have nothing to say to her. I told her that we can still be friends but that maybe just worsen the situation. Being kind is freaking annoying.

Now, i spend most of the times with the new girl but she is still with her boyfriend but her conscience was kicked by mine. I think she enjoyed being with me more than being with him even though for a short time. She broke up with him the other day, but the guy still wants to try but her feelings was already gone. I don’t know what the guy will do, but if things will meet maybe i’ll openly receive a punch from him for the pain i gave him. Maybe, just maybe. Now, she is free to enjoy the time with me without any strings attached to us. I know such thing might repeat again or possibly gets worse but hey! this is life, it will happen if you choose it to happen. I’ll learn from the things that i’ve done. I can’t be forgiven for what i’ve done, I know.

I’m lost and scared

I’m scared, lost and panicking. I don’t know where I should go, I feel unsafe, unsecured, help me. I’m stuck in a void where I don’t know where I will stand. After all those things, I know it needs time to calm down; it needs space to rebuild what you were. You should crawl for a bit, then try standing up and walk then once you are good you can run, run as fast as you can. Where am i? How are things? Why can’t I see what I want? Help? Help!

The things I look at, makes me depressed but it is by your side; when you hug me, kiss me, hold my hands is when I feel a little bit secured. Keep me, keep me by your side, I’m all alone wherever this is I am in. I’m lost; once again, I tried didn’t I? I still try to search for that thing that you want but my mind is scattered, my thoughts are floating away from me. Trying to grab everything while you are in the water is harder than anything else. I tried swimming towards it but I still feel like I’m not moving anywhere. I’m not even floating, I feel like drowning, I’m trying to push myself upwards so that I won’t drown yet I’m still falling.

Should i let myself drown or try to save myself?

 

Lost.

10 Buttons Your Girlfriend Has That You Must Never, Ever Press

Damn1

Thought Catalog

This post was co-written by Lord Rob Fee and myself. Buttons 1-5 are described by me, and 6-10 by Rob.

1. The Telling Her To “Relax” Button

If you ever feel like you might want to press this button, what you should do instead is just not. This is like when you pull the chain on a ceiling fan thinking it’ll slow down or turn off, but it actually goes to the highest speed and begins shaking so violently that you’re bracing yourself for some blunt force trauma. Be forewarned, the “Calm Down”Button is precisely the same – there are no loopholes when it comes to suggesting what mood your girlfriend should be in, folks.

2. The Risky Joke That’s Destined To Turn Into An Argument Button

Poking fun at her outfit, jokingly defending her enemy, playfully suggesting another girl is attractive – these are dicey types…

View original post 808 more words

Regret

Hi! i just want to share how I’m feeling right now and the stupid mistake I have done.

Last June 27, I broke up with my girlfriend of 34months (2 years and 10 months) because I don’t feel the same way anymore. They say it can still be fixed but all i can say is “How?”, if you read my  introduction to who i am you will know I’m not that type of person to give so much effort in doing different things. Although, in our first year i gave effort and time to her then in the coming months it gradually decreased. Maybe because I’m so comfortable with her that is why i did not want to give too much effort in our daily life as a couple. I did not cheat if that is what’s on your mind.Yes, i met new and different people and most of them are girls and i had some crush on those but that is not enough to push away the feelings since i know for a fact that she is the best i could have and i love her family as well and they  love me too. It’s only been 5 days since our break up and I’m already regretting the decision i made, all i can think about is I’m just afraid to try new things(obviously) and i already found a place to be safe and comfortable. I’m really scared right now I feel so lonely and I don’t know who to lean on, even though I’m used to being alone even when I’m with her but at least I know that if I poke her she will offer her shoulders to me.

I already thought of killing myself again but now my psychopathic side won’t kick in to stop and distract me. I lost, I loss a very good person to me and i regret it. I always play safe but now i walked right into the wrong path.

What to do?

A talk with myself

A talk with myself

By:

Willauer, John IV

 

Walking on the road where the street lamps are simultaneously dying. A man wearing a black jacket with white and grey stripes carrying a guitar case suddenly noticed that the road he is walking on is getting darker after each step.

Huh? What happened with the lights” he said, stopped to observe the disappearance of light in the street lamps. “Did the government not pay the electric bill?” he questioned himself. “Better walk fast before every lamp turns off”.

He walked with speed and still observing the lamps going off. His forehead started to pucker, question himself. “Why do I feel like that the street lamps are going off after I pass by?” he asked himself. He continued to walk till he found a man sitting all alone in a spot where the street lamp is still on.

What is he doing there, sitting all alone in that dark place?” he asked in his mind.

He noticed the man wearing a grey and dark blue hoodie and brown cargo pants. He was just going to pass by the guy but then he noticed that it is completely dark on the way he is taking and behind him as well. The man sitting behind him just took a glimpse of him.  He thinks about it, whether he is going to walk in the dark or stay here on the spot where the light has not gone off yet.

Hmm, crap! I’m trapped in here for a while, I’ll wait for the lights to come back” he said to himself.

He turned back and looked at the guy; it is just sitting there, staring at the ground. He really thought about whether he is going to walk really fast in the dark or is he going to stay here on the spot with light and a stranger. He does not want for his life to end there, just not yet.

Well, I will just trust my gut not to walk into the darkness for now” he said to himself.

He walked near to the light and stood there for a while when he noticed the guy took a glimpse of him once again. He just ignored it and thought that maybe the guy is frightened of him as well. He looked at his watch every 5 minute and noticed that the lights is not on yet.

Damn! When will they turn on again.” he said with a hint of irritation on his voice.

The guy in the hoodie looked at him.

Dude, those lights are not going to go back. Its either you stay here or you walk on the dark street.” the guy said.

Feeling so irritated with what did the guy said he just took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. He then looks at the guy and tries to start a conversation.

Oh, is that so? Then damn, I’ll be stuck in here for a little while I guess.” he said to the guy. “So, how long have you been waiting here?” he asked.

In a cage but eyes on the sky

By:

Willauer, John IV


 

 

I may always be in my room, always stuck there and i don’t desire leaving it (unless i need to go to the bathroom). I prefer to stay here because I’m comfortable in here. I don’t feel any pressure or threatening judgement from the outsiders. I know, not all pressures or judgement is bad at all, some are there to keep you walking in a straight line and there are some to cheer or motivate you in reaching those desires that you have always wanted. But in these modern era i see from a birds eye view and i know what you think, some articles in the internet may not be true but they are entertaining. Staying indoors and enjoying the internet makes me so fat, yeah. 

People, most of us, today prefers to stay indoors rather than to go outside see, enjoy and experience it. There is nothing bad staying indoors, unless you were never tasted what is there outside of our small world. I was born in the 90’s, there was no internet by that time and my entertainment is either i play outside with some neighbors and cousins or i draw and let my imagination go wild. In those days you don’t need any gaming console or computers to have fun, all i need is a good piece of idea and to close my eyes to enter and build that idea. 

Nowadays children were born in a household where a computer or a gaming console is available, although some still prefer to go outside and enjoy their time. But some prefers to stay indoors, go to their computer or gaming consoles, open it up and play. I don’t consider having computers and gaming consoles as entirely bad, because with a computer and internet you could do work, learn things from the internet, download ebooks or look into other references for information without burning your wallets to ashes. Hey! It’s not the peoples fault to download illegal ebooks or look into the internet to look for information because our books today costs us a lot of money. I know, the life of our forest is being used to create such books and it should be repaid with replanting some saplings so we’ll not lose our forests but such books puts us in a position that we need to go to certain websites to download ebooks illegally. I know, even some ebooks costs a lot and sometimes it’s just irritating and some of those books are just revision of the previous authors and they are twice or sometimes thrice the price of the original. We are sharing the knowledge so that our friends, family and those who want to learn will not be excluded. We want them to learn, understand and experience those things and moments from reading our books. Then money strikes, someone needs to pay the bills, they have needs as well but it just looks and feels unfair because there are some books that just has the same content as the other book with the same topic that you will pick.

Let’s then tackle the gaming consoles or just discuss about gaming and its benefits, I got pulled by the computer too much. In the past games are just games to entertain us but In the present, they try to add some education in it. Don’t get me wrong, there are educational video games in the past, I’m talking about you sesame street games. I always read in some assassin’s creed post that AC help them with their american history class, I don’t really know if such comments can be trusted but if they are true then It’s good for them and for the developers. We need to impress; First, the consumers, some kids gives a lot of time playing video games so we need to inject some trivias or any educational stuff in the games and Second, the parents, mostly they are the ones paying for their child’s games so they needed to be impressed too, so yeah lets educate our children using the games that they so love. With our evolving technology our gaming experience change as well. In the past there are certain games that can help you not to be fat but in the present we have gaming consoles that will make you wear your body out. Some games for the Wii uses bodily movements to play like sports and other action games. Now developers gave us the occulus rift, there are not many games with stunning graphics that uses this device yet but all it does is take you closer to the game and see from your characters point of view. There are still other gaming gadgets that will make you move while playing. Maybe in the future we will have better video games that educates, keeps us physically fit and of course, that we will love and enjoy till we finish it.